Precariously Poised

Maybe the world really is in black and white, not shades of grey

March 13th, 2023

Photo by Felix Mittermeier on Pexels.com

I used to be adamant that the world operates in shades of grey rather than black or white. I no longer think this is true. If we zoom in on what initially looks like a shade of grey, we may instead find a smattering of black and white.

I admit this is hardly a novel thought–I’m not sure how old the Chinese yin and yang concept is, but I’m fairly certain it has me beat by… 1, 2, 3, 4… yeah, it’s a lot. Similarly, in improvisational theater, there’s an exercise of “Yes, and…” where the group of improvisers accepts what each says as the truth and then builds off it.

Even so, the messaging I received growing up had me believing until almost age thirty that there could only be one truth. Perhaps you’ve heard that “there are three sides to every story: my side, your side, and the truth.”

Shortly after my first child was born, I struggled with feeling confused and guilty because my child was “alive, and that’s all that really matters,” Yet, I was experiencing waves of intense sadness daily. Then my therapist said the most eye-opening thing to me: “Of course, it matters that your baby is alive, but you know what, how you feel about your birth experience matters too.” BOOM. Blue screen. Restart. Pause for the 90s dial-up tone while we get everything back online.

What? Do you mean to tell me there’s space in reality for both these truths to exist? I mean, yes, of course, my children’s lives matter most to me. I would relive the traumatic delivery for all eternity if that were the price of keeping either of them alive, but after hearing person after person (and myself) say that one thing was “all that matters,” the idea that other things could also hold importance quaked the ground I stood on.

That brief moment in my therapy group started a significant shift in my mindset. Seemingly conflicting things can both be true. It’s not “your side, my side, and the truth,” but your experience, my experience, and the neutral, irrefutable facts. Even each of our experiences can be peppered with opposing thoughts and emotions. I can feel happiness and sadness over the same event, each tied to a separate thought related to the event.

In politics, I try to listen to all sides (definitely easier said than done when I have strong feelings on the matter). I used to believe fully that the truth lay in shades of grey, that between two biased opinions was a middle ground of actuality. Now, I think both sides are often true in their own way. Likely, there are embellishments and exaggerations, but when you boil them down to their essence, there’s room for both to exist.

Until we start listening and believing (if not at face value, then at least at the heart) all sides, we will continue to play tug-of-war to build the solution to only the problems from our narrow experiences.
Prioritizing my information consumption for less overwhelm and more DOING

March 9th, 2023
At times, I love being part of a generation that has grown up with Internet access. An all-you-can-eat buffet of information is available 24/7. I come early and often and hungry every time. There are podcasts, eBooks, articles, videos, infographics, and data graphs by experts and enthusiasts in your choice of field and shade of values. I could lose myself here. I have lost myself here, stuck in a loop of information consumption.

But endlessly consuming information is not how I want to spend my life. I also want to create. I want to be intentional with the information I take in, prioritizing what supports my ability to create and lead the life I want.

I subscribe to many podcasts and have paid for multiple online educational program memberships. Realistically, I can only consume a fraction of this content. So I’m taking a step back to consider more intentionally what information I want to take in. What matters to me?
1. Practicing and honing my writing skill
2. Maintaining and expanding my French language skills
3. Improving my gentle parenting techniques
4. Organizing and decluttering my home
5. Exposing myself to new ideas and perspectives (Ok, I wrote this one almost specifically for Simon Sinek’s “A Bit of Optimism” podcast.)
Writing this list is a good start… but I need to go one step further and identify 1-2 primary sources of this content. In podcasts alone, I could subscribe to ten each related to writing, French, parenting, decluttering, and mindset. Then I get overwhelmed and try to keep up with all the content instead of taking in important bits and bites and doing something with what I’m learning (like actually writing instead of learning about writing). I need to be more ruthless.

I cut out writing podcasts because I attend a monthly workshop, and for now, I want to allow that to be my main source “of truth.” I cut down to ONE French podcast to practice my listening skills (which is where I’m weakest). I chose two parenting podcasts that I resonate most with and feel I get the most out of. I unsubscribed from all decluttering podcasts since I’m currently in a program with its own content (that I need to keep up with). And, of course, I’m keeping “A Bit of Optimism” because the perspectives, respectful discourse, and Simon’s optimism are soup for my soul.
Helping our relationship by understanding opposing views on asking for help

February 13th, 2023

It’s a tale as old as time: Woman meets man, the two fall in love, they make a home, they start a family, and along the way, the woman falls into a family and home management role, leaving her energy depleted and resentful.

My husband and I recently discussed this problem, specifically our differing views on asking for help. From my perspective, part of my constant overwhelm is that I have a hard time asking for help (a “me” problem and one I’m trying to work through), and one of my sources of frustration has been that he asks for help all the time for things that he doesn’t really need help with. After talking about it, we realized we have very different schools of thought about asking for support.

I’ve been raised to believe I should do as much independently as possible. Asking someone to do something for you is placing a burden on their shoulders, so it should be done sparingly and only when truly needed. Also, when someone asks me for help, I automatically assume it’s a last resort, so I have difficulty saying “no” because this person must have a metaphorical burden that is too heavy to lift solo. It would be almost unkind to leave them to continue struggling with it alone.

My husband’s view is entirely the opposite. He was raised in a big family that helps each other and asks for help all the time. They ask for help for things they can’t do by themselves as well as things they don’t want to do alone. They ask for help to make the work faster or less lonely. My husband assumes if the person he asks for help doesn’t want to do it for any reason, they will say “no” and he might as well ask because not asking is an automatic “no.”

So the result is that my husband asks me for help with every unpleasant task that he’d prefer to do with someone. And I say “yes” every time because I’ve learned always to agree to help unless there’s a reason I can’t. Meanwhile, I do all of my tasks by myself because I can (and, honestly, because I find it more efficient to do things myself without stopping to delegate tasks or answer questions). Then I often feel resentful because it seems I’m doing all my chores and contributing to my husband’s.

Having a nonjudgmental conversation about where we are coming from has been the best way for us to approach this problem without adding strain to our relationship. Although I’m still learning, I’ll say “no” to many of my husband’s requests and try to identify tasks I could do faster with a helping hand. My husband is trying to dial back his requests because he understands now that it takes energy from me to say “no.” He is learning that sometimes he needs to offer help because I may not think to ask for it.
Do I actually have ADHD? – Exploring likely factors increasing my symptoms

February 6th, 2023
Last time I wrote, I discussed the possibility that I may have borderline ADHD. Today, I’m taking a step back to explore if it might actually be the result of a life spent under chronic stress (note that I am not suggesting that all folks diagnosed with ADHD are simply stressed, I am merely pondering whether I am just stressed).

I do not know if I have ‘true’ ADHD. What I do know is this:

I don’t know if I have ‘true’ ADHD. Here is what I do know:
- I routinely have 7 hours between when I start trying to fall sleep and when I’m woken for the day
- Between the these 7 hours, I am often woken 2-3 times for 20-60 minutes at a time
- Since childhood, screens have been part of my bedtime routine, where I watch a movie or show until I can no longer keep my eyes open
- I always feel tired and often irritable when I wake up in the morning
- I have a hard time starting tasks that I don’t find very exciting
- When something truly interests me, I struggle to focus on anything else
- I struggle with completing projects
- I often feel overwhelmed by my ‘to-do’ list
- I have to set reminders for myself for anything outside of the usual routine
- If something feels important enough that I worry about forgetting it, I tend to fixate on it (often anxiously) so that I don’t forget it
- The most effective way to get me to do chores is to assign to me another more pressing task that I don’t want to do
- I regularly drink about 16-24oz of fluids in a day, which frequently includes 8-12oz of coffee. And I don’t love fruits or vegetables
- The idea of “drink when you’re thirsty” just isn’t helpful to me. My thirst drive either isn’t strong or I’m very well practiced at ignoring it
- I spend hours on social media every day
- I use my phone often in the presence of my children, as a ‘break’ from my children
- I’m not as patient of a person as I’d like
- I often feel cold when everyone around me is comfortable
- My bloodwork almost always shows I am borderline anemic and insufficient in vitamin D
- I rarely spend more time outside than what it takes to get from building to car
- None of this is due to a lack of motivation — I would love to change
Looking at this list, I feel like I’m coming full circle to some of my earlier blog posts where I tried to set goals related to setting a baseline of personal care. If not ADHD, I have at least had a lifelong relationship with sleep deprivation, dehydration, anemia, and vitamin D insufficiency.

I took a brief pause here to get myself a glass of water and drank some of it. It may not sound like much of an achievement for most people, but here I am tooting my own horn. Toot toot. Good job, Kay.

A quick dive into the Internets (making sure find multiple official sources supporting these to be true) helps me tie my struggles with my symptoms.

Sleep deprivation, dehydration, anemia, and vitamin D insufficiency ALL are known to increase:
- fatigue
- irritability
- pain (such as headache, muscle cramps, joint pain)
- difficulty focusing
- impaired memory
Clearly, whether or not I have ADHD, my current habits are fueling my fatigue, irritability, concentration and memory challenges. So the question becomes.. how do I change this and make those changes stick?

A philosophy I’ve tried to live by lately is that any new habits must super easy. I can’t leave any room for my brain to talk myself out of doing it. If I try to adopt a habit and it’s not working out, that probably means my habit is not easy enough. A the same time, I’m trying to stop living by throwing every possible solution at a problem at once.

Choose with something that has high impact potential and boil it down to a small habit of low effort with brief time commitment. I’m already taking a multi-vitamin so my next idea is to get outside for a 1-minute walk. 1-minute may not do much, but I need to make sure the bar is low enough that I’m willing to go out and do it at all. I can build the habit over time.
Toeing the line between neurodivergent and neurotypical and struggling to find my place

January 10th, 2023

Have you ever felt different from everyone else and try as you might you couldn’t pinpoint what that difference was? Have you ever expressed what you thought was a very good solution to a problem, only to have everyone around you stare at you like you’ve just sprouted a new head? Have you often found yourself in a social situation where everyone seems to know what to do or say but you feel completely lost? Have you ever tried to figure out if there was some sort of science to building relationships? Have you lived your life feeling almost-but-not-quite “normal”? If you’ve answered ‘yes’ to all of the above… you might be me.

The road to discovery…

Late last year, I started seeing a therapist and through that I learned that one of the screeners I took flagged me as possibly having ADHD. This really caught me by surprise. Me? I was the most self-composed child you’d ever have met. I followed rules and I did well academically. There’s no way I could have ADHD…. right?

After discussing it further with my therapist, we decided to put a pin in the idea–not dismissing it entirely and also not giving it focus right now. Well, we may have stuck a pin in the idea in therapy, but as far as my brain was concerned, this was a boulder of a notion that was just pushed over the edge of a mountainous hill and I’m riding it all the way down.

Books, articles, podcasts, online communities. I became consumed with a desire to learn more to definitively answer whether I have ADHD (I know, I know, the obvious answer is to continue talking it through with my therapist or find a new therapist who can offer better clarity). The more I learned, the more confusing it seemed. On the one hand, I do hyperfocus (see first two sentences of this paragraph) but I’m not impulsive. While I have always been one to zone out and daydream regularly (common in inattentive ADHD), I’m not especially forgetful.

Then, an interesting realization struck me… among a group of six friends from college that I still maintain relationships with, three of them have been officially diagnosed with ADHD (one as a teenager and two in adulthood). Odd coincidence or classic instance of birds of a feather flocking together?

During my research, I noticed that a number of resources to support individuals with ADHD also market themselves for those with autism. This had me wondering, what is the connection? Well, it seems there is a decent amount of overlap in how ADHD and ASD brains work: struggling with executive function, difficulties making friends, being distracted (by thoughts or external events), and inability to appropriately take turns in conversation. Additionally, it’s not entirely uncommon for individuals to have both.

So I redirected my attention to learning more about autism. Again, I never really would previously expected I had autism. After all, my brother is autistic with low support needs (pretty much checks every box for the previously used diagnosis of Asperger’s). If my brother is on the low end of the spectrum, surely I’m not on the spectrum? After all, unlike my brother, I don’t struggle with eye contact (except in high stress situations like when I’m giving a presentation), I don’t specifically avoid being touched, and I can understand sarcasm and idioms.

And yet… the more I dived into the topic of autism, specifically on autism for people with low support needs, the more I see myself in the descriptions (and sometimes also, my mother). I also took multiple online self-assessments and all of the results so far have suggested that I may be autistic.

So what now?

Oddly enough, I’ve not yet discussed the possibility of my being autistic with my therapist, so I suppose I will start there. If she doesn’t seem particularly knowledgeable about autism, I may look to switch to a therapist who specializes in individuals with ADHD or autistic spectrum disorder.

If my case is mild, does a diagnosis even matter? I believe so, yes. First of all, I have invested so much time over my life trying to understand my brain and how it works and how other people’s brains work. I’ve been on the hunt to find “my people” and I think if I could say with confidence and without imposter syndrome that I have an _insert diagnosis_ brain, I would feel less like someone who just can’t quite do things right and more like someone who has always done her best in a world that isn’t well designed for how her brain works.

And last, but definitely not least, there is my son, now almost age 4, who I have increasingly come to suspect is neurodivergent in some manner. People with low support ADHD or ASD may be able to more easily walk among the “neurotypicals” but commonly at the cost of mental health resulting in anxiety and depression (both of which I have been diagnosed with by more than one therapist) so even if he wouldn’t get much benefit from occupational therapy for ADHD or ASD, I expect he could use support for anxiety (which I definitely already see signs of) and depression.
Declutter 2,023 things in 2023: Board + Card Games

January 9th, 2023

The above photo is a real photo of a sampling of board and card games that were pulled out of our overflowing gaming closet. We are a board game family and we have grown quite the collection over the years, my friends.

I had made an attempt once before to refine our collection years ago. At that time, our game closet was stuffed but not yet overflowing. I asked my husband if there were any games he’d be ok with us rehoming since there were quite a few that I doubted we’d ever play again, and I was disappointed when he agreed to part with only a couple of them. He still wanted to keep many of the games we never played because he viewed it as a collection to display and not just games to play.

Not wanting to push the matter, I took the rest of the games and Tetris-ed them back into the closet so magnificently that I felt quite proud of my effort. Of course, it was impossible to maintain and the organization fell apart after a couple game nights and new came purchases.

Imagine my surprise when, towards the end of 2022, my husband initiated a game collection pair-down. He pulled all the games out of the closet and we separated them into piles of definitely keep, maybe, and don’t keep. Then, now having established a standard for keepers, we went through the maybe pile again and whittled it away until we only had a pile of games to keep and a pile of games to donate.

Now all the keepers are back in the closet and not only are they not spilling out onto the floor in front of the closet, but there’s some breathing room and space for growth!

As for the rest of the games, I think it will realistically take us at least until the end of January to establish new homes for them all. Some of the games are out of print so even though (in my humble estimate) we are unlikely to ever play them (I mean, they’ve been collecting dust on our shelves for years), the fact that we would not be able to access them again if we wanted to prevents him from truly letting them go. He’s now making an effort to see if we can give them to a friend instead of donating them to a stranger or selling them to a game store.

Again, I don’t want to push him to get rid of things he’s not comfortable with or in ways he’s not comfortable with. Would I love to pair down our game collection a bit more? Yes. Would I love to get the rest of the games out of the middle of our family room as quickly as possible? Also yes. Am I willing to cause strain and resentment in our relationship to do it? Hard no.

I’m reminding myself of my 2023 motto to “Start with me”. There are so many of my things I don’t need and can remove from our house that I don’t need to force participation from other family members in order to progress. I’m taking this as a really nice bonus.
Decluttering 2,023 items in 2023

January 5th, 2023

I’m really loving my “Start with me” New Year focus and how it’s already inspired new problem solving ideas and I could stop there for 2023 goals…. but I always feel like I can do more (to my detriment many times) and I do love a clearly defined goal to work towards.

Decluttering and getting to a point where my home feels organized and manageable has been a goal of mine ever since I was pregnant with my first child (4 years ago) and realized how much stuff was about to enter our already messy home once we had a baby. In true me-fashion, I’ve read multiple books, listened to numerous podcasts, skimmed countless articles, followed several influencers all on the topic. I’m familiar with the techniques and methods and theories and I’ve put them into practice off and on.

Now I’m ready to get serious about it, to start forming habits around it, to build my decluttering skills and teach them to my children (and maybe also my husband). I recently came across a challenge to declutter 2,023 things in 2023 and it seemed like a challenging yet still realistic goal to work towards. Even if I don’t make it all the way to 2,023 items, I’m sure I’ll still make an impact with whatever number of items I do manage to get out of my house.

I created an online spreadsheet to track the number of items I get out of my house in each category. If I’m getting rid of close to 169 items per month, I’ll know I’m on track for my goal.

Today, I went through a box that we’ve had in our house for probably over a year of old piano music books from my childhood. I no longer play the piano, we don’t have a piano, and I don’t know that I could even read the music anymore. There’s no benefit in my keeping it. I had posted to my local Buy Nothing Facebook group (a group for the purpose of offering up items for free so one person can get rid of things they don’t need while another person can get value out of that item) and the Mom Swap group (pretty much the same idea but geared towards moms) and no one showed interest.

I looked up nearby piano schools figuring they could make the music books available to students and was about to send the first one a message when I suddenly decided to stop and actually go through the book pile and evaluate what was actually donatable.

I’m glad I did because it was actually much less donatable than I thought. I had forgotten how much my piano teacher wrote ALL OVER the books during my lessons. She’d write notes for improvement, reminders, used “good job” stickers; most of the books were a mess. Some of the items in the pile weren’t music books at all but unrelated loose papers that were just stuck in there. Also, 2/3 of the pile were actually years worth of Zoobooks subscriptions. I must have counted over 80 Zoobooks magazines. In the end, there were 3 music books I determined were even of donatable quality and since it was no longer such a sizable stack, I just tossed them into my miscellaneous donation box that I’ll have scheduled to be picked up later this month.

Adding the count of these books to what I’ve already donated/returned/gotten out of the house since the new year and I’ve removed 139 items in this first week of the year! I know the new year motivation spark tends to fizzle out by the end of February and therefore keeping up with my goal may get harder as time passes. For now, though, I’d like to acknowledge and celebrate this pretty stellar start.
Problem solving and focusing on what I can control in circumstances largely out of my control

January 4th, 2023
I’m the type of person who sees a silverfish-in-the-house type of problem and launches a set-silverfish-traps-in-every-room-vacuum-every-hour-then-drench-the-house-in-gasoline-and-light-a-match attack. Took care of that problem. And how.

In other words, when something concerns me, I want intervention that yields powerful and fast results. I will research the problem online, identify all possible causes, gather solutions from the nuclear to the homeopathic, and then attack that problem with such focused ferocity that it wouldn’t dare show its face here again. I won’t lie.. sometimes this works for me. There’s a reason, after all, why I have developed a habit of doing this.

And then I became a mom.

As a parent, I assume my children’s problems as my own. Their wellbeing is my top priority. Coming up on four years of parenting experience, I’m starting to realize that my go-to problem-solving approach may not be the best. If I put myself in their shoes, having their problems attacked aggressively or from all angles could be really scary. Being scared is not an ideal state for cooperation.

Start with me. This is my 2023 focus phrase and on day four of this year, I’m already being tested… erm, given the opportunity to practice.

My almost 4-year-old has been feeling miserable these last four days with a fluctuating fever up to 103.5 among other symptoms of illness. On top of whatever virus he has, he’s very constipated. Since he spends most of the week at daycare, I can’t even say for certain when the last time was he had a bowel movement but it was sometime between 6 and 10 days ago. Yikes.

I’ve spoken with a nurse from his doctor’s office, pushed fluids, added stool softener to these fluids (per nurse instruction), pushed fibrous and hydrating foods, sat him on the toilet immediately following meals, added lubrication, encouraged active movement, massaged his abdomen, tried a warm bath (this backfired with his fever returning with a vengeance), described how much better he’ll feel afterwards, and detailed what will have to happen if he doesn’t get relief.

To show for my efforts, I have an unhappy kid who is not drinking as much as I’d like, not finishing the recommended dose of stool softener, crying and protesting, in pain, and still stopped up. I can overpower a small colony of silverfish but there is no forcing a three year old to do what he doesn’t want to do.

Start with me. What can I do?
- Focus on the present
  - Calm my own anxiety by focusing on the current situation rather than what might have to happen if this isn’t resolved soon
  - Instead of scaring my child with the undesirable next steps, say nothing
- Make room for joy
  - Hide constipating foods from my child’s view so he’s less likely to desire or ask for them
  - Offer constipation-relieving foods that he loves such as grapes, berries, popsicles
  - Make drinking water more inviting with a fun cup, silly straw or frozen fruit “ice”
  - Encourage playful physical activity
  - Play soothing music, read a book or add screen time while he’s on the toilet
- Invite connection and collaboration
  - Remind myself: it’s my child and me vs. the constipation, not me vs. my child
  - Ask him to drink water with me
  - Join in physical play with him
  - Instead of making demands of my child, ask him what he needs
  - Trust my child is already doing the best he can
  - Admit we need help — Schedule a doctor visit
- Let go of all things beyond my control
  - I can’t control how my child or his body responds
  - I’m doing the best I can. If it doesn’t yield the results I was hoping for, that does not make me a failure or a bad parent.
Ok, I’ve got to say, I am pleasantly surprised with how many positive action ideas my little focus rubric helped me to come up with. I feel much better about these steps than what I’ve been doing, which has been causing both myself and my child anxiety. Now to put it to action. Well wishes appreciated. I’ll let you know how it goes, assuming all of this potty talk hasn’t scared you away. I’m keeping it real, folks. (And for any especially concerned citizens, know that I’ve already swallowed my pride / faced my fear and scheduled a doctor appointment for a few hours from now.)

Update on 1/5/23: We have success!
New year, new focus: Switching my people pleasing attention to me in 2023

January 3rd, 2023
Hey, hey, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

We are three days into 2023 and… I’m keeping my expectations low. I got the coin in my slice of New Year’s bread this year, which is thought to bring a year of good luck, but the last time the coin was in my slice was going into 2020 and we all know how that went.

Already, this year has started off extra challenging with my 3 year old getting some flu-like virus. Poor guy has been feeling miserable to the point where he’s asking to be carried constantly, wants to be in my husband’s or my lap whenever he’s not being carried somewhere, and wants one of us to be next to him all night while he sleeps. Any time we are unable to meet these needs, he breaks down in tears. It’s heartbreaking to see him so unwell, and also exhausting.

Inhale. Exhale. This too shall pass.

Anyway.. a new year means a rejuvenation of energy and motivation towards setting and achieving goals. I prefer setting focus themes for the year and setting relevant smaller resolutions throughout the year. So that’s what I’m going to do.

In the last quarter of 2022, I started weekly therapy sessions, which really opened my eyes to how out of tune I’ve become with my own basic needs. My experiences from childhood into adulthood have made me feel like no one is listening to me, which has made me feel like I have nothing valid to say, which has caused me to stop listening to myself. Seriously. I’ve realized I frequently ignore and push through pangs of hunger, thirst, urges to urinate, and tiredness until I reach a point where I really can’t ignore it any more. Since I don’t even make my basic human needs a priority, forget about any luxuries that fall under “self-care”.

Initially, I thought my theme for the year would be to slow down but I wanted something a bit broader. I then made a list of things I most wanted to work on so that I could find a common thread that might connect them.
1. Focus on the present
2. Make room for joy
3. Invite connection and collaboration
4. Let go of all things beyond my control
My New Year’s focus theme for 2023? Start with me. I can’t control other people or many of my circumstances but there’s actually quite a bit within my control and it all has to do with me, my mindset, and my actions.

To live in the present, I need to learn to slow down, breathe, get curious about what’s happening around me, and in many cases, allow things to be without rushing to “fix” things.

To make room for joy, I need to recognize what brings me joy, reduce the noise and distractions, and actively create opportunities for me to experience these things I enjoy.

Inviting connection and collaboration means asking for help even when I technically could figure it out and do it myself. It means unlearning the idea that asking for help is placing a burden on others. While all of these things will require a big mental shift for me, I expect this one to be the hardest.

The reason I chose start with me and worded it as I did is because when I get stuck, when I feel overwhelmed or trapped, I want to remember before trying to change or react to my situation, to tune into myself. Start with me. What am I feeling? What need of mine isn’t being met? What’s one thing I can do right now to help meet that need?

What about you? What are your hopes and intentions for 2023?
The message that we need to hide our sadness to be strong or to keep others happy needs to stop. Now.

December 15th, 2022

This post discusses the topics of homicide, suicide, and mental health.

If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. Dial 988 or go to the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline website to learn more. Per their website, “people call to talk about lots of things: substance abuse, economic worries, relationships, sexual identity, getting over abuse, depression, mental and physical illness, and loneliness, to name a few.”

This post may be a little bumpy; I’m a bundle of emotions today, my friends.

I’m so tired of watching mental health constantly be overlooked and dismissed. After any act of domestic violence, people will rally, “Regulate guns!” and when other voices chime in “and resources for mental health!” there’s a large number of voicing arguing “this is a gun issue, not a mental health issue!” When the pandemic caused us to isolate and stay indoors, understandably there was concern over our physical health, yet where were the resources to support our mental health during this change?

On a personal level, after a rather traumatic birth experience, I remember feeling irritated whenever my doctor would come in and ask me about my pain on a scale of 1-10, and say nothing to check in on how I was doing emotionally. I was recovering from an unplanned c-section and had refused opioids as part of my pain management.. my physical pain was, I don’t know, 4? but I was so disconnected from that pain because all I could think about was how emotionally I felt like I was at an 11. My medical care team acted as though everything was rosy. The baby is ok, I’m “ok”, everything is “ok”. My son, now approaching his 4th birthday, is a highly sensitive individual. How much of that is his nervous system going on high alert because of a traumatic birth and a mother who didn’t receive adequate emotional support during his first weeks of life?

At 6 weeks old, I took my second born daughter to the hospital for a fever. She was quickly diagnosed with COVID, but they wanted to keep her for more testing to make sure she didn’t also have a bacterial infection (which can be very dangerous for babies under 2 months old). I watched in horror as they tried and failed three times to draw blood from her while she wailed in fear and pain. “Don’t worry, she won’t remember this” I was told after I asked them to stop. But trauma is stored in the body in more ways than just what we can remember. One of humans’ great qualities is adaptability, and when we experience traumas, our bodies can be quick to adapt to protect us from having that type of experience again. To say that she won’t be negatively impacted from this experience moving forward is simply not a promise anyone could make.

1 in 5 people are affected by mental illness, which is often not limited to our mental state; mental health can also manifest as physical symptoms. For ages 15-44, suicide is the second leading cause of death — let that sink in: as scary as all the school shootings are (and they are scary), a statistically bigger threat to our high schoolers is the thoughts in their own brain.

As a mom, it has become a number one priority for me to teach my children that it’s safe and healthy to express their emotions. It’s an uphill battle in a blizzard. I have to unlearn my own emotional bottling tendencies so that I can model emotional expression and coping, and be less triggered by my children’s emotions. I’m also going against society. For every one time I show my kids it’s ok to cry, they receive countless more messages that it’s not, and I’m sure that goes double for my son. But if the world will not be a safe space for emotion, then I. Must. Be. If my children are having a hard time, they have to know that they can come to me, that I will support them through whatever it is and love them no less. It’s not perfect; I’m sure many times despite my best efforts, I will give my kids unintentional messaging that emotions aren’t safe because it’s been so thoroughly ingrained in me, but my goodness, I have to try.

And maybe I have to start speaking out… when I hear someone say “Boys don’t cry” or “Big kids don’t cry” or “You’re making so-and-so sad when you cry” perhaps I should respond with, “When I feel sad, sometimes crying is exactly what I need to feel better.” The messaging that we need to hide our sadness to keep others happy needs to stop.

Yes, let’s have discussions on access to and restriction of weapons AND let’s have discussions on supporting mental wellness. There’s no need to shut down one discussion in favor of the other; both are important.

I’m reminded of the quote from Legally Blonde: “Happy people just don’t kill their husbands. They just don’t.” Sure, it’s overly simplistic and comes from a silly movie, but I believe there’s some truth in it. “Happy” is probably the wrong word… because that’s a feeling and feelings will always ebb and flow. But I firmly believe that people who feel secure and safe to exist in the world as they are and to seek help when they need it do not harm themselves or others. They just don’t. We need to do better as a society to make this world a safer, more welcoming place for us all and when someone says they are struggling, we need to take them seriously.