At times, I love being part of a generation that has grown up with Internet access. An all-you-can-eat buffet of information is available 24/7. I come early and often and hungry every time. There are podcasts, eBooks, articles, videos, infographics, and data graphs by experts and enthusiasts in your choice of field and shade of values. I could lose myself here. I have lost myself here, stuck in a loop of information consumption.
But endlessly consuming information is not how I want to spend my life. I also want to create. I want to be intentional with the information I take in, prioritizing what supports my ability to create and lead the life I want.
I subscribe to many podcasts and have paid for multiple online educational program memberships. Realistically, I can only consume a fraction of this content. So I’m taking a step back to consider more intentionally what information I want to take in. What matters to me?
Practicing and honing my writing skill
Maintaining and expanding my French language skills
Improving my gentle parenting techniques
Organizing and decluttering my home
Exposing myself to new ideas and perspectives (Ok, I wrote this one almost specifically for Simon Sinek’s “A Bit of Optimism” podcast.)
Writing this list is a good start… but I need to go one step further and identify 1-2 primary sources of this content. In podcasts alone, I could subscribe to ten each related to writing, French, parenting, decluttering, and mindset. Then I get overwhelmed and try to keep up with all the content instead of taking in important bits and bites and doing something with what I’m learning (like actually writing instead of learning about writing). I need to be more ruthless.
I cut out writing podcasts because I attend a monthly workshop, and for now, I want to allow that to be my main source “of truth.” I cut down to ONE French podcast to practice my listening skills (which is where I’m weakest). I chose two parenting podcasts that I resonate most with and feel I get the most out of. I unsubscribed from all decluttering podcasts since I’m currently in a program with its own content (that I need to keep up with). And, of course, I’m keeping “A Bit of Optimism” because the perspectives, respectful discourse, and Simon’s optimism are soup for my soul.
We are three days into 2023 and… I’m keeping my expectations low. I got the coin in my slice of New Year’s bread this year, which is thought to bring a year of good luck, but the last time the coin was in my slice was going into 2020 and we all know how that went.
Already, this year has started off extra challenging with my 3 year old getting some flu-like virus. Poor guy has been feeling miserable to the point where he’s asking to be carried constantly, wants to be in my husband’s or my lap whenever he’s not being carried somewhere, and wants one of us to be next to him all night while he sleeps. Any time we are unable to meet these needs, he breaks down in tears. It’s heartbreaking to see him so unwell, and also exhausting.
Inhale. Exhale. This too shall pass.
Anyway.. a new year means a rejuvenation of energy and motivation towards setting and achieving goals. I prefer setting focus themes for the year and setting relevant smaller resolutions throughout the year. So that’s what I’m going to do.
In the last quarter of 2022, I started weekly therapy sessions, which really opened my eyes to how out of tune I’ve become with my own basic needs. My experiences from childhood into adulthood have made me feel like no one is listening to me, which has made me feel like I have nothing valid to say, which has caused me to stop listening to myself. Seriously. I’ve realized I frequently ignore and push through pangs of hunger, thirst, urges to urinate, and tiredness until I reach a point where I really can’t ignore it any more. Since I don’t even make my basic human needs a priority, forget about any luxuries that fall under “self-care”.
Initially, I thought my theme for the year would be to slow down but I wanted something a bit broader. I then made a list of things I most wanted to work on so that I could find a common thread that might connect them.
Focus on the present
Make room for joy
Invite connection and collaboration
Let go of all things beyond my control
My New Year’s focus theme for 2023? Start with me. I can’t control other people or many of my circumstances but there’s actually quite a bit within my control and it all has to do with me, my mindset, and my actions.
To live in the present, I need to learn to slow down, breathe, get curious about what’s happening around me, and in many cases, allow things to be without rushing to “fix” things.
To make room for joy, I need to recognize what brings me joy, reduce the noise and distractions, and actively create opportunities for me to experience these things I enjoy.
Inviting connection and collaboration means asking for help even when I technically could figure it out and do it myself. It means unlearning the idea that asking for help is placing a burden on others. While all of these things will require a big mental shift for me, I expect this one to be the hardest.
The reason I chose start with me and worded it as I did is because when I get stuck, when I feel overwhelmed or trapped, I want to remember before trying to change or react to my situation, to tune into myself. Start with me. What am I feeling? What need of mine isn’t being met? What’s one thing I can do right now to help meet that need?
What about you? What are your hopes and intentions for 2023?
This blog was pretty quiet for most of February and March. Honestly, I’ve still been struggling to find my rhythm and voice with it. I know my normal tendency is to wait to jump into this sort of thing until I have the perfectly refined plan and I also know that waiting for the perfect plan is the hill most of my passion projects die on.
So I hushed the protesting voice in my head and got started, telling myself it would be okay if I decide I no longer like my path and I want to change directions. I’ve already changed the blog name once and I still live to tell the tale. It’s okay, good even, for things to change and evolve over time.
Some projects are about the finish line, but this one is really more about the journey. I write because I believe I have things that are worth saying. I write for the people out there who share my values, perhaps want to walk along a parallel path, or feel less alone when I say something that resonates with them.
I want to be honest, raw, and real for those people and even more so, I want to be true to myself.
During my blogging silence, I retreated inward for a bit. I did some reading and a lot of reflection, and most importantly, I learned some things about myself that sparked some excitement. Writing my more recent blog posts, I felt inspired. My posts for most of my first year of blogging were rather methodical and carefully thought out and I think perhaps I stripped them of my humanity.
It is really easy for me to get stuck in my head. As I said in my recent post about changing my critical thoughts, my head is my safe space. It’s familiar and comfy, but on its own I don’t think it makes very good blog posts. My work is better when I also tune into how I feel. It’s super uncomfy, but for the first time, I’m truly liking where I’m currently going with this blog.
How did my first weekend go without my phone? Well, did I keep my phone out of reach in a drawer the whole time between when my children were awake until when they went to bed? No. Did I learn a lot about my phone usage beyond social media? Yes.
A previous me might have been disappointed in myself and considered the times when I reached for my phone a failure. Instead, I see this as an opportunity to get curious and either change more habits or refine my phone restriction.
What did I want when I reached for my phone?
To keep tabs on my sleeping baby on the web cam
To record my toddler’s and baby’s sleep in my phone app
To have my phone on hand in case I was contacted about a problem regarding the food I ordered to have delivered
To capture moments of my toddler and/or baby being especially cute/funny
To check the time
In order to truly let go of my phone, I realize I need to take a look at the above and determine whether the need can be met without my phone or whether I need to redefine my no-phone-on-weekends rule to allow for certain exceptions. So, one by one, I made that call..
Keeping tabs on my sleeping baby on the web cam This one I was actually able to catch in the moment. Instead of pulling the monitor up on my phone, I did so on my tablet. On the surface, it might not seem like a better switch, but I have a lot fewer apps on my tablet and its size allows me to look at the screen more easily without picking it up (which would increase the temptation of going down a rabbit hole of other apps)
Recording my toddler’s and baby’s sleep in my phone app First of all, I’m not even sure whether recording my children’s sleep is actually helpful or if it just stresses me out that they aren’t getting as much as experts say they should be. But I’m not yet willing to let it go. In the meantime, I could keep a small notepad with me and jot the sleep times down on paper to be added to the app during my allowed phone usage times.
Having my phone on hand in case of contact from a food delivery service I don’t really have an answer to this that allows me to keep my phone tucked away without consequence. I’ve been contacted by food delivery by phone call or text before and if I miss these, typically the order is held until it is canceled. So, I’m making a phone use exception here. When I order food through a delivery service, I can take my phone off Do Not Disturb (which I usually keep on) and keep it close to my person.
Capturing special moments of my children I think this one may require some deeper thought. On the one hand, one of my main goals of putting the phone down is to allow myself to be fully present in the moment, on the other hand, I do really enjoy looking back at photos and videos I’ve taken. My gut says that most moments are probably best lived rather than seen behind a camera lens and I should embrace that by allowing most photo opportunities to pass.
Checking the time This one is pretty simple.. I can get a watch. I think I even have one somewhere, or I have an old FitBit that also tells the time.
All-in-all, I’m pretty proud of myself and despite the fact that I wasn’t perfect, I’m calling my weekend efforts a win. It feels like a great example of my living to my self-given title: mindful perfectionist. Seeking perfectionism where it matters and embracing imperfection for everything else.
You know you’re getting older when you are constantly saying to yourself and others that you don’t know where the time has gone. January is OVER? And the first week of February is almost gone too!? Well, no time like the present to figure out what my goals are for the next eight weeks.
My yearly focus is lightening the load or finding things I can remove from my life (distractions, toxins, burdens) to make things easier and better for me. This quarter (January-March), my secondary focus is rest so I’m looking at what I can take away from my life to help me feel more rested. March also happens to be when I’ll be transitioning off maternity leave back to a full-time working mama, so that’ll be interesting (honestly, I expect that to make resting easier. Stay-at-Home-Mom life is no picnic).
To find my goals, I looked at each of my goal categories (self-care, connection, resources, purpose) and asked myself, “What makes this load heavy? How can I make it lighter?” Here’s what I came up with:
SELF-CARE (mental and physical wellness)
What makes the load heavy? (or also, What drains my energy? What makes me feel stressed?)
Social media and self comparison — feeling like I should be doing more and/or better
Feeling physically tired almost all the time
Worrying about the future
CONNECTION (family, friendship, human connection)
What makes the load heavy? (or also What strains my side of the relationship?*)
Feeling pressured to keep my husband sexually and emotionally satisfied
Resenting my husband asks me to help him or be with him with his task priorities
Resenting everyone in my family because I don’t have enough ‘me’ time
*I’m particularly proud of the fact that I asked myself what strains my side of the relationship rather than trying to think of how I can improve the relationship by changing how the other person is thinking or feeling, which is definitely something I would have done in the past. One thing I’ve learned over the last year is that, though I may be able to influence the thoughts and feelings of others to a degree, I can’t control. But if I focus on improving the relationship from my side, it’s likely to strengthen to relationship as a whole.. or else, perhaps it’s not one that was meant to last.
RESOURCES (time, financial security, possessions)
What makes the load heavy? (or also What resources feel severely lacking or overwhelming?)
Having too much visual clutter and constantly feeling like I ‘should’ get it under control
Lacking quality alone time
I tried to come up with a third item so that I could have nice, balanced lists of three for all the categories, but ideas just weren’t coming to me and I realized whatever I came up with would likely never be prioritized anyway so I’m leaving it be.
PURPOSE (Creation and community contribution)
What makes the load heavy? (or also What is blocking me from pursuing my passions?)
Not having enough time without a baby in my arms for me to work regularly on my blog or other hobbies
Fearing failure or imperfection makes me hesitant to try
Having already given myself permission to stop at two ideas for Resources, it seemed appropriate for this one too, which was the hardest of all the categories for me to come up with something.
Limiting and prioritizing
One of the things I struggled with last year, was being too ambitious with my goals for myself. Just because I technically can accomplish several goals, doesn’t mean I should commit to doing so and “lightening the load” can mean lightening my goal commitment too. When looking at my lists, I realized three out of my four categories reference a lack of time so that’s definitely something I want to tackle, oh, and lookie, the fourth category also mentions the negative affects of social media, which is a huge time suck for me. So…
Goal 1: Reduce time spent on social media
I want to keep myself to two goals, and looking over my list, the stress from all the clutter in my house really feels like the heaviest weight on me. I’m constantly shaming myself for it all, feeling overwhelmed by it all, and I’ve been convinced for awhile that the more items you possess, the more time it requires to take care of them. So, to reduce my mental stress and hopefully get even more time back in my day…
Goal 2: Reduce physical clutter
Getting specific
Goal 1: Reduce time spent on social media
When I pick up my phone, I usually end up on Facebook or Instagram pretty quickly and though I’ve uninstalled the apps multiple times to try to limit how much time I spend on them, it seems it is far too easy for me to reinstall them. Worst of all, while I’m numbing out on my phone, often my toddler and/or infant are present which means I’m neither connecting with them nor am I spending my time in a way that makes me feel rested or in any way better. Maybe this will prove to be too much too soon for me, but I’m going to try to approach this by ripping the bandaid off… on weekends and any other days when my whole family is home, I’m putting my phone in a drawer (and perhaps even turning it off) where it will stay until at least the two kids are in bed.
New Goal 1: Put the phone away on weekends
Goal 2: Reduce physical clutter
Something I’ve wanted to tackle for awhile is Courtney Carver’s Project 333. In short, it’s limiting your closet to 33 items for the duration of 3 months (roughly a season) and donating or putting away all the rest. The result (ideally) is less mental fatigue when selecting an outift and less time spent on each laundry load (because if you have fewer clothes, you have less to wash and put away each time even if you have to do laundry more often). I’ve also been interested getting rid of the big hulking dresser in my husband’s and my bedroom by moving everything to either a drawer under my bed or the closet.
New Goal 2: Limit items in closet to 33
Goal 3 (Pending completion of goal 2): Donate dresser
Happy New Year, readers! Here’s hoping that this new year finds you healthy, loved, and supported and that 2022 will not be 2020…too.
I did not intend to take a long hiatus from my blog, but in mid-November, I had a baby, and in early December, my son’s daycare classroom closed for two weeks due to covid exposure (we tested negative); we celebrated (modestly) the birthdays of three grandparents, the holidays hit, and shortly after that all four of us got covid (we’re all now recovered and doing fine, thank you for asking). I kicked off 2022 feeling exhausted from still being in early postpartum, caring 24/7 for a newborn and a toddler, recovering from a respiratory illness, and not being able to receive childcare help from family. Looking back, though, I am grateful that I didn’t have to do it entirely alone — I have a wonderful husband who helped me (when he wasn’t sleeping off his illness) and family that dropped off some extra food. That, and the constant self-reminder that this wasn’t forever.. that the guilt I felt from leaving the tv on most of the day to occupy my toddler, the lack of fruits and veggies on the plates, the general lack of bathing for all of us — it was temporary. We were taking it one day at a time, accepting things as they were, and not asking more from ourselves.
Of course, my first light at the end of the tunnel…the first daycare promise of reprieve in 2022, was taken from me by our first snow of the season. The next day was a delayed opening that threatened to be another full day closing, and the next day I had a full day of daycare but was taken out by a migraine. And the next day… is today! Is the fourth time the charm?
Seriously, though, after airing my grievances, I want to pull myself back to a mindset of gratitude. I’m lucky I even have daycare as an option because so many people don’t. I’m fortunate to have a supportive partner in my husband because so many people don’t. I’m lucky that I have extended family close by, wanting to help and able to cook. I’m grateful that my family got through covid with just a few days each of feeling ill and tired. Honestly, I feel lucky that what we had was covid instead of something else (stick with me here) because 1. it gave plausible cause for my 6-week-old’s fever, sparing her some rather invasive testing and possibly unnecessary antibiotic treatments, and 2. our family of 4 now all has some natural immunity, that will hopefully carry us through the rest of this current omicron covid case surge. Given a choice (as though such a thing could ever be a choice), I wouldn’t have asked to expose our family to covid, but since we did get it, I must admit I’m grateful to have gotten through it and to have a grace period where it no longer feels as threatening. We’ll continue to practice the same precautions we always have (which did work well for us for almost two years of the pandemic), but my stress load feels a bit lighter.
So even though I would have liked to have already started planning my goals for 2022, this first quarter, January, and this week, it just wasn’t in the cards. Now that I feel like I’m back on my feet, I can take time to bring myself back up to speed.
We’re here, folks… the home stretch of November and the last of my series of weekly gratitude posts. In general, I have so much to be thankful for this year and every year, and I decided to focus my last list of 20 on my immediate family. As a pretty extreme introvert who doesn’t let many people see my full self, my immediate family is absolutely everything. I mean, sometimes it drives me crazy that my alone time is so hard to come by, but there’s no one else I find myself missing when I finally get those moments of solitude. And here’s my 20 things I love about them…
Moments when my husband takes over care for our children, cat, or dog, so I can get a break
My husband’s drive to learn about and take initiative on our financial planning (so I don’t have to)
Watching my kids bond with their grandparents and witnessing the love and connection between them
The rare treat of warm cuddles from my cat
When my dog has found something potentially dangerous (like a snake in the house) and alerted us to it
When my dog sticks his face in the window curtains and wags his tail slowly as he watches me return home
“I love you SO much!” said by my toddler
When my toddler leans on me for a snuggle
When my toddler is being silly (and we aren’t trying to go somewhere)
How my husband sometimes gets me to laugh at myself
My husband pushing me to step outside my comfort zone to accomplish something I don’t think can easily be done (and it turns out he was right…)
When my toddler offers completely unprompted to share part of a snack he’s eating that I know he really enjoys
My toddler’s insistence that everyone get a “bed buddy” (comfort stuffed animal for sleeping)
When my toddler has spontaneously sweet moment with his baby sister, like giving her a hug or saying “I love her SO much!”
When my husband, unasked, goes to change our baby’s dirty diaper
That look of joy and awe on my toddler’s face when he’s watching a train garden run
Sleepy snuggles with my newborn
Watching my husband become a ‘new’ father again with his sweetness and protectiveness
When my husband offers to massage out a muscle ache for me
The way my husband and I so well balance each other and work together as partners
Back to my more more typical style posts next month. Happy Thanksgiving to my American readers and a joyful end of November to anyone else who’s stumbled across this corner of the Internet.
Baby update: For those of you who have been following my sporadic pregnancy updates and are curious, yes, baby is here! Bucking a family tradition of arriving well ahead of the due date, this kiddo came exactly as predicted. We’re all settling home now and trying to find our new rhythm as a family of four.
Welcome to week 3 of my 20-things-I’m-grateful-for November posts! This week I’m focusing on my personal connections. This was actually the hardest one for me as I’m not a particularly personable person and keep my circle of confidence pretty tight. And without further ado…
Being able to talk about hard topics with friends who’ve been there and get it
Laughing until my cheeks hurt because of something my friend did / said
Coworkers and managers who are parents and understand prioritizing family
Silly moments with coworkers that make work more fun
Feeling like family even with my in-laws
Knowing I can ask for help when I need it (I’m really bad at this though)
Getting a text message from a friend or extended family member who was just checking in or thinking about me
Friends and other connections who understand and respect my high need for alone time
The varied expertise of my friends I can tap into — pharmacy, optometry, psychology, interior design, information technology, finance, etc
Conversations with friends with opposing viewpoints who challenge my perspective
Conversations with friends with similar viewpoints who help me feel sane
The support of online communities of people with shared values
Being able to seek recommendations from friends/connections when choices are overwhelming
Sharing happy moments and milestones with good friends
Surprise gift pick-me-ups from friends after I confide in them with my struggles
Occasionally being pushed outside my comfort zone to try something new with friends by my side
Philosophical conversations with friends that force us to explore well below the surface of our values
Knowing I can be imperfect and my friends will still be there
Being inspired to chase after something I want because I witnessed someone in my circle achieve their want
Generally being surrounded by people that support, encourage, and root for me
What about you? What about your friends and personal connections are you thankful for?
How many people are here reading my blog as a way to pass the time when the holidays have you feeling unmotivated to work? Anyway, in anticipation of either being very pregnant, in labor, or recovering from delivery with a newborn this month, I’ve written 4 weeks worth of 20-things-I’m-grateful-for. Welcome to week 2! This week I’m focusing on things and circumstances.
A sturdy roof over my head and climate-controlled home
Blankets and soft, comfy sweaters/sweatshirts
Modern home conveniences: Microwaves, dishwashers, clothes washers and dryers, refrigerators, hot water
Digital communication devices/apps that allow me to connect and share with friends/family far away
Experts willing to share their knowledge and tips on social media
Free recipes and food prep tips available on the Internet
Digital libraries and audiobooks
Being able to afford sending my firstborn (and later also our baby) to daycare
My firstborn has an absolutely wonderful teacher at daycare right now
Having a steady income
My husband’s having a steady income
Having a job that cares about employees as people with family priorities and not just skilled laborers
Being financially secure such that we don’t have to keep an eagle eye on our spending
Generous (for the US) maternity and paternity leave policies for both my husband and me
Outside of mild inconveniences, the COVID-19 pandemic hasn’t affected our family
Living where I can experience all 4 seasons
Having access to quality health care
Chocolate and all of the wonderfully creative ways others have found to leverage its deliciousness
Cheese and all of the wonderfully creative ways others have found to leverage its deliciousness
Cars and airplanes that allow me to more easily visit friends and family far away
In the spirit of Thanksgiving–and to give myself a reprieve from the regular pressure of coming up with new post content each week while I’m anticipating giving birth literally any day now–each week, I’ll be posting 20 things I’m thankful for about a topic.
Is it immodest to kick this off by listing 20 things I love and am grateful for related to myself? You know what, I don’t care. We could all benefit from appreciating more about ourselves. Without further ado, here I go!..
I’m committed to always improving/learning/growing
My immune system keeps me feeling good and healthy most of the time
I’ve carried two beautiful babies (as of this posting, the second has yet to be delivered)
I am a caring mom
When I’m focused and determined, I give 110%
I am creative
I’m independent
I’m observant and perceptive
I’m a more than decent cook and can make some dishes I’m quite proud of
I’m mindful with spending
I’m a loyal, compassionate friend
I’m a natural problem solver
I know how to research a topic to the point of becoming somewhat of an expert on it
I can recognize beauty in simple moments
I make efforts to be an informed voter
I’m learning to be more compassionate and forgiving to myself
Precariously Poised 