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Precariously Poised

  • Stepping outside of my comfort zone never felt so good

    December 14th, 2022

    I dread meeting new people, hate having to perform under a time crunch, and feel embarrassed sharing my work that have not yet been edited to perfection. I did all of these things Monday evening and it felt amazing (not in the moment, but afterwards).

    Writing has been a passion of mine ever since I learned how to hold a pencil and write words. I loved creating worlds and characters and exploring how those characters would interact in their world. I also had a lot of confidence in my ability, having often been complimented on my writer’s voice. Once I got to college, it became more difficult to prioritize writing outside of my assignments. As I fell out of practice, I also lost my confidence and then later, my motivation to write.

    Strangely, even though I couldn’t summon motivation to write, I’ve still maintained a desire to write. I’d feel pings of jealousy and shame when I witnessed friends or peers of mine producing their own writing. I’d then feel energized and tell myself I was feeling inspired to write again, time slipped by without my writing anything and the energy spark fizzled. Sometimes, in an attempt to hold myself accountable and write something (even if it wasn’t the type of writing I really wanted to be doing), I’d start a blog, abandon the blog, start a blog, abandon the blog. Each time, my motivation would morph into feelings of inadequacy.

    In an attempt to push myself, I found a local writing workshop, which I attended this past Monday. Despite my best efforts, I arrived a bit late, and when I got there, I realized it was not a one-off workshop, but rather an established and recurring workshop where everyone was already acquainted with each other. There went my hopes of arriving with a comfortably low profile.

    After introductions, we did a 5-minute writing prompt. My brain often freezes under time crunches, leaving me with even less time than originally given. Fortunately, my embarrassment at the prospect of writing nothing was greater than that for writing something imperfectly, and for once, I let go of perfection and just wrote the first thing that came to mind. At the end of 5-minutes, it was still an incomplete thought, but so was everyone else’s.

    I then surprised myself further by sharing my very rough, incomplete draft even though I wasn’t under any real pressure to share. Everyone was really nice, encouraging, and nonjudgmental. I left the workshop feeling proud and like I had reconnected with a long lost piece of myself. I’m so grateful to have found this workshop and that it meets regularly once a month, a commitment that feels feasible to this busy mama of two very young children.

  • Overcoming imposter syndrome: I am a writer

    December 12th, 2022

    I am a writer.

    I often feel hesitant to allow myself to use this label. I’ll think, I shouldn’t call myself a “writer” because I haven’t written anything worthy of that title. But why? I wouldn’t think a person couldn’t claim to be an “artist” if they haven’t sold any work, don’t have anything hanging in a museum, haven’t received any accolades, have left some work unfinished, or their preferred medium is crayon. If they at least somewhat routinely put effort into artistic endeavors, they are an artist.

    Writers are people who write. It’s not more complicated than that.

    I enjoy writing, I express myself best in writing, I even take pride in some of the things I have written.

    I am a writer.

    Allowing myself to wear this label has been freeing. When I believe I’m not a writer I also start to believe that I can’t write. When I think I can’t write, I don’t. And it probably goes without saying, but for the sake of completing the circle — when I don’t write, I’m not a writer.

    Sure, it would be nice if one day my words were published or recognized in some way, but if not, it doesn’t mean my writing isn’t worthwhile. At a bare minimum, writing provides an outlet for my personal expression, a means of organizing my thoughts, and something I can get excited about creating. I write on a blog because I hope that my words will resonate with or move even just one of the billions of people out here, but if my writing ends up only ever serving myself, that’s ok. That’s still enough.

  • A night in the life of a sleep deprived mama

    December 8th, 2022

    10:00PM I should go to bed now. A responsible person who prioritizes sleep would go to bed right now. Ok, I will do that… after just one quick episode of this old sitcom I’ve been watching.

    12:00AM Ugh. I should really go to bed now.

    12:10AM WAAAAAAAAH! Can my one-year-old hear my eyes close?

    2:00AM Chhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Huh? Oh, my husband’s in the bathroom. He must be getting ready for bed.

    2:20AM THUD. Thump thump thump thump. “Mommy? I had a bad dream…”

    2:55AM Must have been quite the nightmare. My three-year-old wouldn’t let me leave the room until he fell asleep. Hello, there, pillow. It’s lovely to feel you again…..

    3:00AM WAAAAAAAAH! Ugh. Do you have to wait until I get all comfy?

    3:15AM Thumpthump. Thumpitythumpthumpthump. Scratch scratch scratch. Really cat? You have the friskies now?!

    3:20AM Ghnnnn….Ghnnnn…Ghnnnn. How does my husband sleep through all this? It’s fair game to poke him so he wakes just enough to stop the snoring right? Poke

    3:21AM …….

    3:22AM Ghnnnn….Ghnnnn…Ghnnnn. Well, that was short-lived.

    3:25AM Oh shoot aren’t those library books due soon? I’ll have to go today. But when will I have time? Maybe I can run over after dropping the kids off at daycare. Yeah. No wait… they don’t open until 9. What day is tomorrow? Thursday? I have that morning meeting tomorrow; I don’t know if I can get back in time. I guess I could go during lunch time. Ugh, but then I’ll have to figure out another time to pump. And I wanted to squeeze in a shower tomorrow too. I need a shower. It’s been too long. I feel gross. Did I remember to switch over the laundry before bed? I don’t have any clean underwear, I hope I remembered to switch the laundry. I’m hungry…

    4:30AM Chirrup! Chirp chirp! It’s still dark out. Why on Earth are there birds that sing this early?

    5:00AM THUD. Thump thump thump thump. My three-year-old. “Mommy… I have to pee!”

    5:45AM WAAAAAAAH! My one-year-old. If I’m lucky, I can get her back to sleep

    6:30AM Well, it’s too late to get more sleep. I’ll just zone out on my phone, I guess.

    6:58AM THUD Thump thump thump thump. “Mommy! It’s time to get up!”

    7:00AM Beep beep beep. Why do I even set a wake-up alarm?

    Thankfully, the vast majority of my nights are not like this. But every now and again, there’s a doozy. Most nights I can expect 2-3 of these disrupters. Be kind to the parents in your life, everyone, the restless nights can happen well beyond the newborn stage.

  • Practicing Gratitude in 2022

    December 7th, 2022

    I find it both interesting and encouraging that my most popular posts from last year were my November lists of things I am personally grateful for. Even throughout this year, I continued to get notifications that another person liked one of those posts. I didn’t prepare four posts with four different focuses for each week of November this time. I didn’t even successfully get this one post up before November was over. So it goes.

    Without further ado, here I go again listing the things I am grateful for (and I tried to think a little outside the box of what I listed last year).

    1. I completed a full year of nursing/pumping my baby. It’s been a difficult milestone to reach and I feel blessed to have been able to make it. I plan to continue breastfeeding as long as I can, but now I can at least feel like the pressure is off.
    2. This moment to myself. As I type, it’s one of few times in the past… gosh 3.5 years that I’ve had some time at home alone. It’s so beautifully refreshing to exist without threat of interruption or the pull to meet anyone’s needs outside my own.
    3. My 1-year-old got the chicken pox vaccine four weeks ago, giving her immune system enough time to build those antibodies before last week when I got a rash that was later diagnosed as shingles. Gah, what timing!
    4. The library. Free access to books, movies, board games, internet and printing, notary, passport services, activities and lectures by local experts. The library is pretty amazing and it’s ability to remain relevant during modern times has been impressive.
    5. That I may continue to work from home for the foreseeable future. I can also go into the office any time I feel the pull (which hasn’t happened yet).
    6. The privilege to watch my children continue to grow and discover themselves and their interests. While part of me grieves the leaving the parenting stage of having little babies (as my youngest is now a toddler on the go and my husband and I don’t plan to have any more children), I’m so grateful to be able to watch my kids grow into these young people and I love learning more each day about who they are.
    7. I found time to take two peaceful baths this week. Major self-care win for myself. Good job, Self.
    8. My husband and I are now splitting bedtime duty with the kids more evenly across the week.
    9. I successfully rehomed two big baby activity items to another local family, thus opening up some of the floor space in our house and hopefully give some joy to that other family.
    10. The “Do Not Disturb” feature on my phone with the ability to customize what is important enough to break the silence so that only the important things will disrupt me (… most of the time)
    11. Getting some Moms’ Night Out time with some of my in-laws. We’ve done it once and I’m hoping we’ll be able to make it a regular thing.
    12. That daycare provides breakfast, lunch, and snack to my kids. I will definitely miss this when they need their lunches prepped for school.
    13. Singing with my kids to the car radio
    14. One of my friends from college (who has a kid less than a year younger than my first) moved to within a 90-minute drive of me. So much better than the 4 hours it would take before! We’ve already seen each other several times since the move and I’m excited to plan kidless day dates after the holidays settle.
    15. My husband and I are on the same page when it comes to gift giving — which is that we don’t like to give gifts for the sake of giving gifts. It makes it just a tad easier to keep a crazy influx of things coming into our house this time of year.
    16. My husband and I have found some sweet spot timing for avoiding crowds at the grocery store.. before 2pm (when schools let out) and around 4pm (in between when school staff are done shopping and before work gets out). Thank goodness again for working from home so we can take advantage of this.
    17. Both my kids love books and reading. This is one of my favorite bonding times with them. I don’t even mind reading the same book over and over and over. No really, I don’t!
    18. When my 1-year-old grabs my face and presses her open mouth to my cheek. Gotta love toddler kisses!
    19. When my 3-year-old says “I love you and there’s nothing you can do about it!” This is what I say to him, and hearing him say it back gives me hope that he is receiving the message that my love is unconditional.
    20. Comfort fashion is more acceptable in this post-pandemic era.
  • I agree with what you’re saying but I don’t believe it

    December 6th, 2022

    Isn’t it funny how we can understand the logic of an argument, find no flaw in the argument, and even agree with it, and yet some part of us will not allow us to believe it?

    A conflict of brain and heart, one might say. However, contrary to popular depiction, the heart doesn’t have any jurisdiction over our thoughts or emotions. What’s happening is an internal conflict. Brain vs. itself*. We may follow the logic and desperately want to believe in it and yet… there’s something in our past experience holding us back from completely buying in to the argument.

    It would be nice if we could readily recall what planted this very well rooted seed of doubt so then we could say, “Oh, oppositional part of my brain, that was an entirely different situation that does not disprove the statement. Allow me to explain why…” Then, the parts of the brain would harmonize and we could continue peacefully on with our life. The End.

    Who am I kidding? Even when I can readily list off experience after experience that feeds my beliefs, I can’t reason away this unshakable connection. If anything, the resistant part of my brain presents a cogent counter argument using all of these experiences as evidence. “The original claim must be for a romanticized version of reality, not the one in which I have lived.”

    I see you, hesitant brain. I know you have my best interest at heart. We’ve been hurt before. You see some parallels and have suited up to protect us from being hurt again. Thank you for sharing your concerns — I wish you would be more direct instead of speaking in coded riddles, but nevertheless, thank you for sharing them. Thank you for making our safety and survival a priority. So far, so good.

    And also…. I think we could live a much more enjoyable life if we could fully buy into the ideas that…

    1. We’re not going to be liked by everyone whose path’s we cross and that’s okay.
    2. Making mistakes is necessary for learning and growth and does not make us a failure.
    3. It’s not lazy to rest. Resting is important for our mental and physical health.
    4. All feelings are okay and valid. We’re allowed to feel however we feel about our experiences without shame regardless of how much worse other people have experienced.

    *Note: I wanted to use more precise terms for the reasoning part of the brain and the reactive part of the brain but fell down a deep hole of psychology as defined by the Internet and surfaced without enough confidence or clarity to define these. Frontal vs temporal lobes? Prefrontal cortex vs limbic system? My psychology expert followers, please enlighten me! What terms am I looking for?

  • Keeping a decluttered home: If at first I don’t succeed, begin again, and again, and again

    November 4th, 2022

    During a several month-long hiatus from my blog, I’ve been doing some thinking (shocker!) and some reading (gasp!) and I decided to pivot a bit from how I originally started my goals for this year.

    Over the last few years, I keep returning to this desire to get my house in a state that feels less cluttered and chaotic. There’s a lot of other changes I want to make in my life, but whenever I try to, I always seem to come back to my house. When my home is a mess it seems like an endless distraction and source of stress.

    I’ve started and stopped a home decluttering project quite a few times and I’ve come to accept the following things:

    1. I need to start viewing this as a lifestyle change and not a one-time project
    2. While I love how Marie Kondo organizes everything in a neat and aesthetic way even inside dresser drawers, it’s not a sustainable means of housekeeping for someone like me. I need to embrace ease and accessibility over perfection
    3. I’m not messy. Keeping a home tidy is a skill I can hone with practice
    4. I want to teach my children how to keep a home so that it’s not something they are either doing without or trying to learn on their own in their 30s
    5. The only way to make progress is to get started. I’ve read books, (The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo, How to Manage Your Home Without Losing Your Mind by Dana K. White, and The Clutter Connection by Cassandra Aarssen), listened to podcasts, followed social media influencers, etc. I know numerous strategies, theories, and tools. There’s multiple methodologies because there is no perfect way… there are ways that work best for some and ways that work best for others. But the only way to learn what works for me is to dive in and do it. 10 minutes a day, 5 minutes a day, even 1 minute a day just as long as I’m getting up, showing up, and doing.
  • Finding my balance: Allow me to reintroduce myself.. again

    November 1st, 2022

    If you’ve been following me at any point over the last year and a half, you may know me as Mindful Perfectionist. You may also note that I haven’t written a whole lot in the last half a year or so. I’ve still been here; still thinking and considering and pondering and musing.

    When I first chose to call my blog Mindful Perfectionist, it was with the intention of being more aware of my perfectionist habits to make a conscientious decision whether to embrace or adjust them in the moment. While I still want to do this, it doesn’t really capture all that I focus on. So here I am, trying on a new name, testing out its fit and comfort. Maybe I’ll love it and it will fade over time, maybe I’ll change and it will no longer fit, maybe in only a couple weeks time I’ll realize I was mainly attracted to the novelty of it, or maybe it will be one of those items that I get excited to wear every time I sit down to write.

    So goodbye, Mindful Perfectionist. Thank you for the time we were together and all the growth and learning that has carried me to the present.

    Hello, Precariously Poised. Despite still being quite a perfectionist, and therefore believing at least in part, that there is a “right” way to do things, I believe in balance. I believe in simplicity and also the richness of (intentional) complexity. I believe in practicality and also joy without further purpose. I believe in the comfort of stability and also the challenge of pursuing progress. I believe in being present in the moment as well as reflecting on the past and preparing for the future.

    With all these things and more, I believe the key is finding our individual point of balance. And as much as I wish that, once we find our personal center, we could rest there undisturbed for as long as we wanted, that simply is not how life works. Even if we don’t move, maintaining balance requires constant micro adjustments, a delicate dance of our stabilizing muscles activating and relaxing to keep us upright. Even if we hold on for dear life and refuse to budge, our balance point is subject to shift with weights frequently added and removed from either side. No, alas, striking a balance is not a project we can get the satisfaction of marking as complete. It’s part of a lifelong journey. We might even sometimes to choose to fall off-balance. For a thrill, for a growth opportunity, for a test to see if we were even on balance to begin with.

    For all these reasons, I think Precariously Poised describes my current mindset and place in life. More often than not, I’m seeking to find and rest in my balance points in life. And as I do, I want to remember that those are always subject to change. While I may take a brief rest, I need to keep an open mind and an adaptable spirit so that when life carries me forward (or sometimes backwards or any other direction), instead of trying to resist, I can move with the change and not be so flustered about being off-kilter.

  • Something’s gotta give – learning to prioritize as a perfectionist

    August 1st, 2022

    If everything is important, then nothing is important.

    I full-heartedly agree with this statement and I still sometimes catch myself trying to accomplish way too many things with the idea that they are all “important”.

    True, usually these tasks all have varying degrees of importance — cleaning the toilets, wishing my in-laws a “Happy birthday”, watering the houseplants, showing up on time for work, making time for a walk, etc. All of these things have benefits to doing and/or consequences for not doing, and for that reason, my brain would like to bucket them all as “important”. But, my dear perfectionist brain, these are not all of equal value.

    I’d like to take a moment to remind myself of my top tier items of importance, that is, what is essential.

    1. Making time to take care of my needs
    2. Giving my family quality connection time free from distractions
    3. Providing food on my family’s plates

    Everything else — and I do mean everything else — can wait behind these things.

    It’s funny, even as I sit here, my brain is working hard to find things to add to that list, thinking I must be missing something! Listen, brain, three things is plenty; it’s more than enough. Are other things worth doing? Yes, for sure, but I cannot think of anything else more important than or equal to these three things I’ve listed. Everything else must at best be considered secondary.

    And, by the way, brain, you’ll notice that I put “Making time to take care of my needs” as numero uno in our list of utmost importance. This is important, brain. We need to prioritize ourselves. It’s not selfish; no one can give from an empty cup. Got it? Got it.

    Thank you, reader, for sticking through this conversation with myself.

  • 2022 midyear goal progress update

    July 1st, 2022

    Back in February of this year, I set some goals for the first quarter of 2022. More recently, I realized that the way I’ve been setting goals, by splitting the year into quarters and setting deadlines has not been working for me. But how did I do on those goals and what am I working on now? Let’s recap.

    My goals for 2022 quarter 1

    1. Reduce time spent on social media by putting my phone away on weekends

    I didn’t do so well with this one. I’m use to keeping my phone in my pocket because it’s so easily accessible there. Part of the problem is… it’s so easily accessible there. The truth is, my phone is most useful to me only during work (when I use the authenticator to access a lot of my work-related things) or when I’m on the go and need to be able to call for assistance if needed.

    Sometimes I see “photo moments” where I may regret not having my phone on me to capture the moment. But…. is the inability to take a photo of that moment really worth the trade-off of my presence both in that moment and throughout the day? When my three year old wakes me up in the morning, he hands me my phone as though it’s as essential a part of me as the glasses I wear to correct my vision. It’s like a punch in my gut when he does this, and it’s not his fault; he’s only acting based on observation of my behavior.

    So, reducing my time spent on social media… and my phone in general, is still one of my goals. I think I’m going to try having my phone live in my purse so that I will have it with me on the go, and it will have a resting place that is not on my person while I’m home.

    Wait one second….. ok, there. I just walked my phone over to my purse by the door entryway to start this promise to myself right now.

    2. Reduce physical clutter by limiting my closet items to 33

    I did actually do this one! In fact, my closet items, according to the guidelines of Project 333, are actually less than 33. I did this for my Spring wardrobe and learned a fair bit about my clothes wearing habits for the season, which I could then consider while I made my list for Summer.

    For myself and anyone reading this who may need to hear it, I’m writing this ‘aloud’: I was not perfect with my 33 chosen items for Spring. AND IT WAS OK! I learned something, I adjusted my process, and my Summer selections have worked even better.

    More on my experience with Project 333 another time.

    3. Donate dresser

    I didn’t do this one perfectly either…. BUT I DID DO IT! My neighborhood had a large item pickup scheduled and I knew my best bet of getting rid of the dresser was having it ready to be hauled off on that date. I had all my clothing out of it for a long time, but didn’t yet have a new solution for my jewelry. So I tossed all my jewelry in a drawer under my bed with my pjs.

    I still cringe a bit when I open that drawer because I still have not addressed a place for my jewelry. But, I’ve also made a decision not to prioritize that right now. My next goal is to get a bookshelf to go where the dresser was. This bookshelf could end up being the stepping stone to fixing my homeless jewelry problem, either because I put my jewelry on a shelf on the bookshelf or I move something else to the bookshelf that frees space for my jewelry.

    New project goals without deadlines

    As I mentioned before, in place of deadlines, I’m being more clear with my project prioritization and then asking myself regularly what is one thing I can do right now to move that project forward.

    My brain can be a very busy, noisy place. Prioritization is a must because I notice a lot of things that could be taken care of right now, and I could easily take care of little one-off tasks all day long without doing a single thing toward the projects that matter most.

    There are a lot of projects that are important to me and that I’d like to make high priority. But if everything is high priority, nothing is, so I need to be firm and pick out one, maybe two.

    Projects that relate to my kids (i.e. organizing their closets, fixing up the playroom) are always very loud in my brain because my kids are so important to me.

    But.

    I’m choosing a project that’s all about me this time. I don’t often make myself a priority and I have the most flexibility tackling a project where I can make all the decisions and no one else cares.

    So my big priority project right now is to make my half of the room (I’m just going to have to let go of how I’d like my husband’s side to be) a personal haven that fosters calm and joy.

  • Why deadlines don’t work for me and what I’m doing instead

    June 22nd, 2022

    Hello, I’m Kay, and I am a well-practiced procrastinator. When I see a deadline for something that I’d rather not do, I…

    • tell myself I don’t need to do it now because I have plenty of time (until I don’t. I really, really don’t).
    • engage myself in something else I’ve been putting off, but would still rather do than this, because it makes me feel productive.

    And as a result…

    • From the time the task is assigned until the deadline is so uncomfortably close that I must address it, I can’t fully relax because I keep having a nagging voice reminding me that this thing needs to be done.
    • As the deadline approaches, I get increasingly anxious about needing to do the thing and not having enough time to do it.
    • When I definitely no longer have enough time to do it, my fear of the consequences finally overrides my desire for avoidance and I hastily do what I can in the time I’ve allowed myself.
    • As I present the result of my efforts, I feel embarrassed by the lack of quality.
    • Oftentimes the task goes back on my to-do list because I either didn’t fully complete it or I completed it with mistakes or oversights that need addressing.
    • Rinse, repeat.
    • But hey, I got done a bunch of other less pressing things that I had been procrastinating… so there’s that.

    All of the above is when someone else imposes the deadline. When I set one, chances are good the project will drag on and on long past my desired deadline and sometimes I lose all motivation to complete it at all.

    Why do I continue to procrastinate even though doing so tends to cause me so much shame and unrest? I’m sure the answer is multi-faceted, but one of the things I’ve realized is that I often struggle with knowing where to start or just knowing how many steps I need to take to get to the end feels overwhelming.

    So lately, I’ve been trying something new and it seems to be working, or at the very least, it’s working way better than feeding my anxiety until it’s so big I can’t ignore it. First, I have to decide that this project is a priority and then set aside a time each day where I’m going to work on it. When it’s time to work on it, I ask myself one question…

    What is one thing I can do right now to move this forward?

    There’s something about this question and the way it’s worded that allows my brain to surface one bite-sized task without any barriers preventing me from doing it. Even if I’m relying on someone else to complete their task, one thing I can do right now is send that person an email asking for a status update and reminding them that I’m waiting on them.

    When I think about a project, I often get lost in the whole journey of it. I think about all the obstacles in my way before I’ve even encountered them. Asking myself what I can do right this minute to get from point A to point B allows myself to ignore the rivers and mountains I’ll need to cross and lets me focus just on putting one foot in front of the other. By the time I get to the mountain, asking the same question allows me to focus solely on that mountain. When I can focus on one thing at a time, my options for solutions come more easily to me. And sometimes I realize what looked like a mountain from far away was actually a small hill.

    When it comes to my job, I still need to meet deadlines, but now at least I can make sure I’m making progress before it becomes too late. And when it comes to my own projects, I’m no longer setting deadlines. Instead I’m making sure to set ONE project as a priority and then every day I set aside time to ask myself: What is one thing I can do right now to move this forward?

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