It’s a tale as old as time: Woman meets man, the two fall in love, they make a home, they start a family, and along the way, the woman falls into a family and home management role, leaving her energy depleted and resentful.
My husband and I recently discussed this problem, specifically our differing views on asking for help. From my perspective, part of my constant overwhelm is that I have a hard time asking for help (a “me” problem and one I’m trying to work through), and one of my sources of frustration has been that he asks for help all the time for things that he doesn’t really need help with. After talking about it, we realized we have very different schools of thought about asking for support.
I’ve been raised to believe I should do as much independently as possible. Asking someone to do something for you is placing a burden on their shoulders, so it should be done sparingly and only when truly needed. Also, when someone asks me for help, I automatically assume it’s a last resort, so I have difficulty saying “no” because this person must have a metaphorical burden that is too heavy to lift solo. It would be almost unkind to leave them to continue struggling with it alone.
My husband’s view is entirely the opposite. He was raised in a big family that helps each other and asks for help all the time. They ask for help for things they can’t do by themselves as well as things they don’t want to do alone. They ask for help to make the work faster or less lonely. My husband assumes if the person he asks for help doesn’t want to do it for any reason, they will say “no” and he might as well ask because not asking is an automatic “no.”
So the result is that my husband asks me for help with every unpleasant task that he’d prefer to do with someone. And I say “yes” every time because I’ve learned always to agree to help unless there’s a reason I can’t. Meanwhile, I do all of my tasks by myself because I can (and, honestly, because I find it more efficient to do things myself without stopping to delegate tasks or answer questions). Then I often feel resentful because it seems I’m doing all my chores and contributing to my husband’s.
Having a nonjudgmental conversation about where we are coming from has been the best way for us to approach this problem without adding strain to our relationship. Although I’m still learning, I’ll say “no” to many of my husband’s requests and try to identify tasks I could do faster with a helping hand. My husband is trying to dial back his requests because he understands now that it takes energy from me to say “no.” He is learning that sometimes he needs to offer help because I may not think to ask for it.
Last time I wrote, I discussed the possibility that I may have borderline ADHD. Today, I’m taking a step back to explore if it might actually be the result of a life spent under chronic stress (note that I am not suggesting that all folks diagnosed with ADHD are simply stressed, I am merely pondering whether I am just stressed).
I do not know if I have ‘true’ ADHD. What I do know is this:
I don’t know if I have ‘true’ ADHD. Here is what I do know:
I routinely have 7 hours between when I start trying to fall sleep and when I’m woken for the day
Between the these 7 hours, I am often woken 2-3 times for 20-60 minutes at a time
Since childhood, screens have been part of my bedtime routine, where I watch a movie or show until I can no longer keep my eyes open
I always feel tired and often irritable when I wake up in the morning
I have a hard time starting tasks that I don’t find very exciting
When something truly interests me, I struggle to focus on anything else
I struggle with completing projects
I often feel overwhelmed by my ‘to-do’ list
I have to set reminders for myself for anything outside of the usual routine
If something feels important enough that I worry about forgetting it, I tend to fixate on it (often anxiously) so that I don’t forget it
The most effective way to get me to do chores is to assign to me another more pressing task that I don’t want to do
I regularly drink about 16-24oz of fluids in a day, which frequently includes 8-12oz of coffee. And I don’t love fruits or vegetables
The idea of “drink when you’re thirsty” just isn’t helpful to me. My thirst drive either isn’t strong or I’m very well practiced at ignoring it
I spend hours on social media every day
I use my phone often in the presence of my children, as a ‘break’ from my children
I’m not as patient of a person as I’d like
I often feel cold when everyone around me is comfortable
My bloodwork almost always shows I am borderline anemic and insufficient in vitamin D
I rarely spend more time outside than what it takes to get from building to car
None of this is due to a lack of motivation — I would love to change
Looking at this list, I feel like I’m coming full circle to some of my earlier blog posts where I tried to set goals related to setting a baseline of personal care. If not ADHD, I have at least had a lifelong relationship with sleep deprivation, dehydration, anemia, and vitamin D insufficiency.
I took a brief pause here to get myself a glass of water and drank some of it. It may not sound like much of an achievement for most people, but here I am tooting my own horn. Toot toot. Good job, Kay.
A quick dive into the Internets (making sure find multiple official sources supporting these to be true) helps me tie my struggles with my symptoms.
Sleep deprivation, dehydration, anemia, and vitamin D insufficiency ALL are known to increase:
fatigue
irritability
pain (such as headache, muscle cramps, joint pain)
difficulty focusing
impaired memory
Clearly, whether or not I have ADHD, my current habits are fueling my fatigue, irritability, concentration and memory challenges. So the question becomes.. how do I change this and make those changes stick?
A philosophy I’ve tried to live by lately is that any new habits must super easy. I can’t leave any room for my brain to talk myself out of doing it. If I try to adopt a habit and it’s not working out, that probably means my habit is not easy enough. A the same time, I’m trying to stop living by throwing every possible solution at a problem at once.
Choose with something that has high impact potential and boil it down to a small habit of low effort with brief time commitment. I’m already taking a multi-vitamin so my next idea is to get outside for a 1-minute walk. 1-minute may not do much, but I need to make sure the bar is low enough that I’m willing to go out and do it at all. I can build the habit over time.
We are three days into 2023 and… I’m keeping my expectations low. I got the coin in my slice of New Year’s bread this year, which is thought to bring a year of good luck, but the last time the coin was in my slice was going into 2020 and we all know how that went.
Already, this year has started off extra challenging with my 3 year old getting some flu-like virus. Poor guy has been feeling miserable to the point where he’s asking to be carried constantly, wants to be in my husband’s or my lap whenever he’s not being carried somewhere, and wants one of us to be next to him all night while he sleeps. Any time we are unable to meet these needs, he breaks down in tears. It’s heartbreaking to see him so unwell, and also exhausting.
Inhale. Exhale. This too shall pass.
Anyway.. a new year means a rejuvenation of energy and motivation towards setting and achieving goals. I prefer setting focus themes for the year and setting relevant smaller resolutions throughout the year. So that’s what I’m going to do.
In the last quarter of 2022, I started weekly therapy sessions, which really opened my eyes to how out of tune I’ve become with my own basic needs. My experiences from childhood into adulthood have made me feel like no one is listening to me, which has made me feel like I have nothing valid to say, which has caused me to stop listening to myself. Seriously. I’ve realized I frequently ignore and push through pangs of hunger, thirst, urges to urinate, and tiredness until I reach a point where I really can’t ignore it any more. Since I don’t even make my basic human needs a priority, forget about any luxuries that fall under “self-care”.
Initially, I thought my theme for the year would be to slow down but I wanted something a bit broader. I then made a list of things I most wanted to work on so that I could find a common thread that might connect them.
Focus on the present
Make room for joy
Invite connection and collaboration
Let go of all things beyond my control
My New Year’s focus theme for 2023? Start with me. I can’t control other people or many of my circumstances but there’s actually quite a bit within my control and it all has to do with me, my mindset, and my actions.
To live in the present, I need to learn to slow down, breathe, get curious about what’s happening around me, and in many cases, allow things to be without rushing to “fix” things.
To make room for joy, I need to recognize what brings me joy, reduce the noise and distractions, and actively create opportunities for me to experience these things I enjoy.
Inviting connection and collaboration means asking for help even when I technically could figure it out and do it myself. It means unlearning the idea that asking for help is placing a burden on others. While all of these things will require a big mental shift for me, I expect this one to be the hardest.
The reason I chose start with me and worded it as I did is because when I get stuck, when I feel overwhelmed or trapped, I want to remember before trying to change or react to my situation, to tune into myself. Start with me. What am I feeling? What need of mine isn’t being met? What’s one thing I can do right now to help meet that need?
What about you? What are your hopes and intentions for 2023?
I find it both interesting and encouraging that my most popular posts from last year were my November lists of things I am personally grateful for. Even throughout this year, I continued to get notifications that another person liked one of those posts. I didn’t prepare four posts with four different focuses for each week of November this time. I didn’t even successfully get this one post up before November was over. So it goes.
Without further ado, here I go again listing the things I am grateful for (and I tried to think a little outside the box of what I listed last year).
I completed a full year of nursing/pumping my baby. It’s been a difficult milestone to reach and I feel blessed to have been able to make it. I plan to continue breastfeeding as long as I can, but now I can at least feel like the pressure is off.
This moment to myself. As I type, it’s one of few times in the past… gosh 3.5 years that I’ve had some time at home alone. It’s so beautifully refreshing to exist without threat of interruption or the pull to meet anyone’s needs outside my own.
My 1-year-old got the chicken pox vaccine four weeks ago, giving her immune system enough time to build those antibodies before last week when I got a rash that was later diagnosed as shingles. Gah, what timing!
The library. Free access to books, movies, board games, internet and printing, notary, passport services, activities and lectures by local experts. The library is pretty amazing and it’s ability to remain relevant during modern times has been impressive.
That I may continue to work from home for the foreseeable future. I can also go into the office any time I feel the pull (which hasn’t happened yet).
The privilege to watch my children continue to grow and discover themselves and their interests. While part of me grieves the leaving the parenting stage of having little babies (as my youngest is now a toddler on the go and my husband and I don’t plan to have any more children), I’m so grateful to be able to watch my kids grow into these young people and I love learning more each day about who they are.
I found time to take two peaceful baths this week. Major self-care win for myself. Good job, Self.
My husband and I are now splitting bedtime duty with the kids more evenly across the week.
I successfully rehomed two big baby activity items to another local family, thus opening up some of the floor space in our house and hopefully give some joy to that other family.
The “Do Not Disturb” feature on my phone with the ability to customize what is important enough to break the silence so that only the important things will disrupt me (… most of the time)
Getting some Moms’ Night Out time with some of my in-laws. We’ve done it once and I’m hoping we’ll be able to make it a regular thing.
That daycare provides breakfast, lunch, and snack to my kids. I will definitely miss this when they need their lunches prepped for school.
Singing with my kids to the car radio
One of my friends from college (who has a kid less than a year younger than my first) moved to within a 90-minute drive of me. So much better than the 4 hours it would take before! We’ve already seen each other several times since the move and I’m excited to plan kidless day dates after the holidays settle.
My husband and I are on the same page when it comes to gift giving — which is that we don’t like to give gifts for the sake of giving gifts. It makes it just a tad easier to keep a crazy influx of things coming into our house this time of year.
My husband and I have found some sweet spot timing for avoiding crowds at the grocery store.. before 2pm (when schools let out) and around 4pm (in between when school staff are done shopping and before work gets out). Thank goodness again for working from home so we can take advantage of this.
Both my kids love books and reading. This is one of my favorite bonding times with them. I don’t even mind reading the same book over and over and over. No really, I don’t!
When my 1-year-old grabs my face and presses her open mouth to my cheek. Gotta love toddler kisses!
When my 3-year-old says “I love you and there’s nothing you can do about it!” This is what I say to him, and hearing him say it back gives me hope that he is receiving the message that my love is unconditional.
Comfort fashion is more acceptable in this post-pandemic era.
Isn’t it funny how we can understand the logic of an argument, find no flaw in the argument, and even agree with it, and yet some part of us will not allow us to believe it?
A conflict of brain and heart, one might say. However, contrary to popular depiction, the heart doesn’t have any jurisdiction over our thoughts or emotions. What’s happening is an internal conflict. Brain vs. itself*. We may follow the logic and desperately want to believe in it and yet… there’s something in our past experience holding us back from completely buying in to the argument.
It would be nice if we could readily recall what planted this very well rooted seed of doubt so then we could say, “Oh, oppositional part of my brain, that was an entirely different situation that does not disprove the statement. Allow me to explain why…” Then, the parts of the brain would harmonize and we could continue peacefully on with our life. The End.
Who am I kidding? Even when I can readily list off experience after experience that feeds my beliefs, I can’t reason away this unshakable connection. If anything, the resistant part of my brain presents a cogent counter argument using all of these experiences as evidence. “The original claim must be for a romanticized version of reality, not the one in which I have lived.”
I see you, hesitant brain. I know you have my best interest at heart. We’ve been hurt before. You see some parallels and have suited up to protect us from being hurt again. Thank you for sharing your concerns — I wish you would be more direct instead of speaking in coded riddles, but nevertheless, thank you for sharing them. Thank you for making our safety and survival a priority. So far, so good.
And also…. I think we could live a much more enjoyable life if we could fully buy into the ideas that…
We’re not going to be liked by everyone whose path’s we cross and that’s okay.
Making mistakes is necessary for learning and growth and does not make us a failure.
It’s not lazy to rest. Resting is important for our mental and physical health.
All feelings are okay and valid. We’re allowed to feel however we feel about our experiences without shame regardless of how much worse other people have experienced.
*Note: I wanted to use more precise terms for the reasoning part of the brain and the reactive part of the brain but fell down a deep hole of psychology as defined by the Internet and surfaced without enough confidence or clarity to define these. Frontal vs temporal lobes? Prefrontal cortex vs limbic system? My psychology expert followers, please enlighten me! What terms am I looking for?
If everything is important, then nothing is important.
I full-heartedly agree with this statement and I still sometimes catch myself trying to accomplish way too many things with the idea that they are all “important”.
True, usually these tasks all have varying degrees of importance — cleaning the toilets, wishing my in-laws a “Happy birthday”, watering the houseplants, showing up on time for work, making time for a walk, etc. All of these things have benefits to doing and/or consequences for not doing, and for that reason, my brain would like to bucket them all as “important”. But, my dear perfectionist brain, these are not all of equal value.
I’d like to take a moment to remind myself of my top tier items of importance, that is, what is essential.
Making time to take care of my needs
Giving my family quality connection time free from distractions
Providing food on my family’s plates
Everything else — and I do mean everything else — can wait behind these things.
It’s funny, even as I sit here, my brain is working hard to find things to add to that list, thinking I must be missing something! Listen, brain, three things is plenty; it’s more than enough. Are other things worth doing? Yes, for sure, but I cannot think of anything else more important than or equal to these three things I’ve listed. Everything else must at best be considered secondary.
And, by the way, brain, you’ll notice that I put “Making time to take care of my needs” as numero uno in our list of utmost importance. This is important, brain. We need to prioritize ourselves. It’s not selfish; no one can give from an empty cup. Got it? Got it.
Thank you, reader, for sticking through this conversation with myself.
1. Reduce time spent on social media by putting my phone away on weekends
I didn’t do so well with this one. I’m use to keeping my phone in my pocket because it’s so easily accessible there. Part of the problem is… it’s so easily accessible there. The truth is, my phone is most useful to me only during work (when I use the authenticator to access a lot of my work-related things) or when I’m on the go and need to be able to call for assistance if needed.
Sometimes I see “photo moments” where I may regret not having my phone on me to capture the moment. But…. is the inability to take a photo of that moment really worth the trade-off of my presence both in that moment and throughout the day? When my three year old wakes me up in the morning, he hands me my phone as though it’s as essential a part of me as the glasses I wear to correct my vision. It’s like a punch in my gut when he does this, and it’s not his fault; he’s only acting based on observation of my behavior.
So, reducing my time spent on social media… and my phone in general, is still one of my goals. I think I’m going to try having my phone live in my purse so that I will have it with me on the go, and it will have a resting place that is not on my person while I’m home.
Wait one second….. ok, there. I just walked my phone over to my purse by the door entryway to start this promise to myself right now.
2. Reduce physical clutter by limiting my closet items to 33
I did actually do this one! In fact, my closet items, according to the guidelines of Project 333, are actually less than 33. I did this for my Spring wardrobe and learned a fair bit about my clothes wearing habits for the season, which I could then consider while I made my list for Summer.
For myself and anyone reading this who may need to hear it, I’m writing this ‘aloud’: I was not perfect with my 33 chosen items for Spring. AND IT WAS OK! I learned something, I adjusted my process, and my Summer selections have worked even better.
More on my experience with Project 333 another time.
3. Donate dresser
I didn’t do this one perfectly either…. BUT I DID DO IT! My neighborhood had a large item pickup scheduled and I knew my best bet of getting rid of the dresser was having it ready to be hauled off on that date. I had all my clothing out of it for a long time, but didn’t yet have a new solution for my jewelry. So I tossed all my jewelry in a drawer under my bed with my pjs.
I still cringe a bit when I open that drawer because I still have not addressed a place for my jewelry. But, I’ve also made a decision not to prioritize that right now. My next goal is to get a bookshelf to go where the dresser was. This bookshelf could end up being the stepping stone to fixing my homeless jewelry problem, either because I put my jewelry on a shelf on the bookshelf or I move something else to the bookshelf that frees space for my jewelry.
New project goals without deadlines
As I mentioned before, in place of deadlines, I’m being more clear with my project prioritization and then asking myself regularly what is one thing I can do right now to move that project forward.
My brain can be a very busy, noisy place. Prioritization is a must because I notice a lot of things that could be taken care of right now, and I could easily take care of little one-off tasks all day long without doing a single thing toward the projects that matter most.
There are a lot of projects that are important to me and that I’d like to make high priority. But if everything is high priority, nothing is, so I need to be firm and pick out one, maybe two.
Projects that relate to my kids (i.e. organizing their closets, fixing up the playroom) are always very loud in my brain because my kids are so important to me.
But.
I’m choosing a project that’s all about me this time. I don’t often make myself a priority and I have the most flexibility tackling a project where I can make all the decisions and no one else cares.
So my big priority project right now is to make my half of the room (I’m just going to have to let go of how I’d like my husband’s side to be) a personal haven that fosters calm and joy.
You know you’re getting older when you are constantly saying to yourself and others that you don’t know where the time has gone. January is OVER? And the first week of February is almost gone too!? Well, no time like the present to figure out what my goals are for the next eight weeks.
My yearly focus is lightening the load or finding things I can remove from my life (distractions, toxins, burdens) to make things easier and better for me. This quarter (January-March), my secondary focus is rest so I’m looking at what I can take away from my life to help me feel more rested. March also happens to be when I’ll be transitioning off maternity leave back to a full-time working mama, so that’ll be interesting (honestly, I expect that to make resting easier. Stay-at-Home-Mom life is no picnic).
To find my goals, I looked at each of my goal categories (self-care, connection, resources, purpose) and asked myself, “What makes this load heavy? How can I make it lighter?” Here’s what I came up with:
SELF-CARE (mental and physical wellness)
What makes the load heavy? (or also, What drains my energy? What makes me feel stressed?)
Social media and self comparison — feeling like I should be doing more and/or better
Feeling physically tired almost all the time
Worrying about the future
CONNECTION (family, friendship, human connection)
What makes the load heavy? (or also What strains my side of the relationship?*)
Feeling pressured to keep my husband sexually and emotionally satisfied
Resenting my husband asks me to help him or be with him with his task priorities
Resenting everyone in my family because I don’t have enough ‘me’ time
*I’m particularly proud of the fact that I asked myself what strains my side of the relationship rather than trying to think of how I can improve the relationship by changing how the other person is thinking or feeling, which is definitely something I would have done in the past. One thing I’ve learned over the last year is that, though I may be able to influence the thoughts and feelings of others to a degree, I can’t control. But if I focus on improving the relationship from my side, it’s likely to strengthen to relationship as a whole.. or else, perhaps it’s not one that was meant to last.
RESOURCES (time, financial security, possessions)
What makes the load heavy? (or also What resources feel severely lacking or overwhelming?)
Having too much visual clutter and constantly feeling like I ‘should’ get it under control
Lacking quality alone time
I tried to come up with a third item so that I could have nice, balanced lists of three for all the categories, but ideas just weren’t coming to me and I realized whatever I came up with would likely never be prioritized anyway so I’m leaving it be.
PURPOSE (Creation and community contribution)
What makes the load heavy? (or also What is blocking me from pursuing my passions?)
Not having enough time without a baby in my arms for me to work regularly on my blog or other hobbies
Fearing failure or imperfection makes me hesitant to try
Having already given myself permission to stop at two ideas for Resources, it seemed appropriate for this one too, which was the hardest of all the categories for me to come up with something.
Limiting and prioritizing
One of the things I struggled with last year, was being too ambitious with my goals for myself. Just because I technically can accomplish several goals, doesn’t mean I should commit to doing so and “lightening the load” can mean lightening my goal commitment too. When looking at my lists, I realized three out of my four categories reference a lack of time so that’s definitely something I want to tackle, oh, and lookie, the fourth category also mentions the negative affects of social media, which is a huge time suck for me. So…
Goal 1: Reduce time spent on social media
I want to keep myself to two goals, and looking over my list, the stress from all the clutter in my house really feels like the heaviest weight on me. I’m constantly shaming myself for it all, feeling overwhelmed by it all, and I’ve been convinced for awhile that the more items you possess, the more time it requires to take care of them. So, to reduce my mental stress and hopefully get even more time back in my day…
Goal 2: Reduce physical clutter
Getting specific
Goal 1: Reduce time spent on social media
When I pick up my phone, I usually end up on Facebook or Instagram pretty quickly and though I’ve uninstalled the apps multiple times to try to limit how much time I spend on them, it seems it is far too easy for me to reinstall them. Worst of all, while I’m numbing out on my phone, often my toddler and/or infant are present which means I’m neither connecting with them nor am I spending my time in a way that makes me feel rested or in any way better. Maybe this will prove to be too much too soon for me, but I’m going to try to approach this by ripping the bandaid off… on weekends and any other days when my whole family is home, I’m putting my phone in a drawer (and perhaps even turning it off) where it will stay until at least the two kids are in bed.
New Goal 1: Put the phone away on weekends
Goal 2: Reduce physical clutter
Something I’ve wanted to tackle for awhile is Courtney Carver’s Project 333. In short, it’s limiting your closet to 33 items for the duration of 3 months (roughly a season) and donating or putting away all the rest. The result (ideally) is less mental fatigue when selecting an outift and less time spent on each laundry load (because if you have fewer clothes, you have less to wash and put away each time even if you have to do laundry more often). I’ve also been interested getting rid of the big hulking dresser in my husband’s and my bedroom by moving everything to either a drawer under my bed or the closet.
New Goal 2: Limit items in closet to 33
Goal 3 (Pending completion of goal 2): Donate dresser
I originally started this post mid-December… and then life threw a few wrenches my way and here we are, mid-January.
Anyway, the turn of the calendar year and the passing of this blog’s 1-year anniversary has put me in total reflection and planning mode (though let’s be honest, this is my default mode).
2021 in Review
My focus phrase for 2021 was to “let go”, and while I’m proud of the progress I made, it’s definitely a life journey. I’m still learning that letting something go does not necessarily mean I fail; sometimes it means that whatever I’m letting go of is not right for me in this moment.
In 2021, I created a goal list based on 5 categories:
Self care (my mental and physical wellness)
Connection (my relationship with family, friends, and other humans)
Growth (my personal learning and development)
Resources (managing my time, money, and possessions)
Purpose (my contribution to society)
Self Care
This is the biggest one and the main source of content for my blog. I divided the year into quarters and set each quarter to have a focus of different essentials for sustaining human life:
nutrition (which I “let go” in order to focus on birthing my baby and surviving the day-to-day with a newborn)
Connection
My focus here was to expand our family and to prepare for that expansion. I’m really proud of myself here, that instead of giving myself the goal of “get pregnant”, which is wildly out of my control, my original goals were to “track my menstrual cycles” and “have sex during times of peak fertility”. When I did have the good fortune to get pregnant, I changed my goals towards actions I could take to prepare my body and mind for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). I admit, I became a bit obsessed with this focus, wanting to do all the things so much as rumored to help with a successful VBAC that I struggled a bit to prioritize them and do anything very consistently (though my baby did end up born via VBAC, safe and healthy).
Growth
I had planned to learn and practice using water colors this year by going through projects from a few water coloring subscription boxes I had sitting for many months. I met my first quarter goal of completing one project, and then never did any more.
Resources
With the ultimate goal of reducing the time I spend picking out and washing/putting away clothes, I wanted to “finally” complete Project 333 (TLDR; a recurring 3-month challenge to select up to 33 items for your closet and donate/put away everything else). I partially did this — I created clothing lists, went through a lot of my clothes, put away a lot of clothes, and put some clothes in a “to donate” pile. However, I never fully committed to sticking to only the list and some things not on the list still remained in my closet. I still really want to give this challenge a dedicated try.
Purpose
I made my blog my purpose for the year. I had hoped to published 45 blog posts during the year. In the end, I published 32 blog posts in the year 2021. It’s 13 posts shy of my goal, but I’m chalking this up to too ambitious of a first-year goal and I’m still proud of those 32 posts.
What worked? What didn’t?
What worked?
Having goals that aligned with my toddler’s current interests (like sweeping the floors). While they interested him, he gave me a regular reminder and motivation (and help!… sorta) to get it done.
Aiming only for things within my control
Setting bare minimum goals, I have a hard time talking myself out of showing up
Clearly defining the goals
Choosing goals that can be made into a daily habit
What didn’t work?
Relying on my toddler as a long-term trigger for completing daily chores. When he lost interest in cleaning the floors, I lost my regular reminder.
Taking on too much and not prioritizing my goals
Increasing my goal too quickly
What’s Next? Planning for 2022
Last year, my focus was “let go”. This year, I’m focusing on “lightening the load”. I’m taking a look at my life and what I can reduce or remove to make things easier on me.
The first thing I’m reducing? Instead of 5 goal categories, I’m focusing on 4, effectively combining “Growth” and “Purpose” to “Purpose: Creation and contribution”.
I may change this in the future, but for now, I still like giving each quarter a sub-focus related to the four major things that sustain life, but I’m reorganizing them to better align with the time of year:
Rest | January-March: Reset, recover from holiday pressures and stimuli, embrace the pull of hibernation
Breathe |April-June: Move the body, get fresh air, create space in areas of overcrowding
Hydrate | July-September: Replenish fluids lost in the heat (ok, I’m still thinking of how to expand this one beyond the obvious
Nourish | October-December: Try new recipes, learn food/spice pairings that optimize the nutritional gain, streamline meal planning
Happy New Year, readers! Here’s hoping that this new year finds you healthy, loved, and supported and that 2022 will not be 2020…too.
I did not intend to take a long hiatus from my blog, but in mid-November, I had a baby, and in early December, my son’s daycare classroom closed for two weeks due to covid exposure (we tested negative); we celebrated (modestly) the birthdays of three grandparents, the holidays hit, and shortly after that all four of us got covid (we’re all now recovered and doing fine, thank you for asking). I kicked off 2022 feeling exhausted from still being in early postpartum, caring 24/7 for a newborn and a toddler, recovering from a respiratory illness, and not being able to receive childcare help from family. Looking back, though, I am grateful that I didn’t have to do it entirely alone — I have a wonderful husband who helped me (when he wasn’t sleeping off his illness) and family that dropped off some extra food. That, and the constant self-reminder that this wasn’t forever.. that the guilt I felt from leaving the tv on most of the day to occupy my toddler, the lack of fruits and veggies on the plates, the general lack of bathing for all of us — it was temporary. We were taking it one day at a time, accepting things as they were, and not asking more from ourselves.
Of course, my first light at the end of the tunnel…the first daycare promise of reprieve in 2022, was taken from me by our first snow of the season. The next day was a delayed opening that threatened to be another full day closing, and the next day I had a full day of daycare but was taken out by a migraine. And the next day… is today! Is the fourth time the charm?
Seriously, though, after airing my grievances, I want to pull myself back to a mindset of gratitude. I’m lucky I even have daycare as an option because so many people don’t. I’m fortunate to have a supportive partner in my husband because so many people don’t. I’m lucky that I have extended family close by, wanting to help and able to cook. I’m grateful that my family got through covid with just a few days each of feeling ill and tired. Honestly, I feel lucky that what we had was covid instead of something else (stick with me here) because 1. it gave plausible cause for my 6-week-old’s fever, sparing her some rather invasive testing and possibly unnecessary antibiotic treatments, and 2. our family of 4 now all has some natural immunity, that will hopefully carry us through the rest of this current omicron covid case surge. Given a choice (as though such a thing could ever be a choice), I wouldn’t have asked to expose our family to covid, but since we did get it, I must admit I’m grateful to have gotten through it and to have a grace period where it no longer feels as threatening. We’ll continue to practice the same precautions we always have (which did work well for us for almost two years of the pandemic), but my stress load feels a bit lighter.
So even though I would have liked to have already started planning my goals for 2022, this first quarter, January, and this week, it just wasn’t in the cards. Now that I feel like I’m back on my feet, I can take time to bring myself back up to speed.
Precariously Poised 